A Letter to a Younger Me

Dear 7 year old me,

Don’t beat yourself up for the fact that you are younger and he is taking advantage of that. This is his fault, not yours. You didn’t ask for this, you didn’t want any of this. You don’t deserve this.

Dear 12 year old me,

Well done! You stood up for yourself and said no and it stopped, for once. Look at what you can do, you can tell someone, eventhough that won’t come for several years.

Dear 14 year old me,

What do you have in your hand? What is that scissors doing there? What are you about to do? Oh, you cut yourself. You didn’t like it? Don’t blame ya. You swear you will never do that again, if only dear one, if only.

Dear 17 year old me,

You told your family about it. Good job! There is light now shinning on the dark. I know it hurt, I know it was hard, but you did it!

Dear 18 year old me,

College is tough, and college does suck, but please but down the razor. Please, don’t do it.. Don’t you know that you will struggle with self-harm and eating disorders for the next several years if you start now?! Please, I beg you!

Dear today me,

Yes, the last few years have been hell. They have been tough and long, But God, being rich in love, has brought you through, and you are better for it! You have a wonderful position in women’s ministry. You graduated college, you stopped cutting, your relationship with food is getting better, you have people in your life that are coming along side you to help you be a better woman of faith. You are in a fabulous church. God has always been faithful to you! Continue to trust Him, He loves you!

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Dirty Will I Ever Be Clean?

Well tonight my friend was telling me about her sexual experiences with men recently and how in college she slept around a bit.. Then she asked me if I was a virgin.. Without hesitation I told her no.. then she asked me who I lost my virginity to.. I paused and felt great shame, guilt, and dirty-ness rush over me.. And then she asked me if it was private and I said yes it was and she didn’t press further. 
I still feel dirty. I feel like I can never be clean and “new” again. I have had evil done to me that I couldn’t stop and because of it I will not be a virgin on my wedding night. I can never give my husband that gift. It was stolen from me and there is no way to get it back. 
I have been told several times from several different people that I need to grieve the loss of innocence.. But honestly I don’t really know how and I am scared to because I know it will hurt. But God didn’t put us on this earth just to run through the pastures.
If you have been abused and need to grieve.. Lean on Christ. Run to His arms. And.. Cry and pray. 

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From My Past…

For as long as I can remember I have hated the terms “Survivor of Sexual Abuse” and “Victim of Sexual Abuse”.

I am a female who has been sexual abused in the past by my adopted brother and I am finding healing from the effects of the abuse, both by my brothers hand and by my own hand (self-injury/eating disorder).

I am not a victim and I am not a survivor. I am hurt but not defeated. I am kicked but not stomped. I am ever understanding the need for breaking the pattern of addiction and self-abuse in my life and I am leaning on my Creator to help me.

I will not let my brother have the power of guilt over me any longer. I will not let my family shut my up and push me out. I stand up for the silent and the hurting and I say “No” to the push-back of family members who do not understand the pain and effects that the past has put upon my life.

God has given me a voice and I will use in the power of His name and for His name and through His name.

I. Am. Woman. And though I be but little, I am fierce.

Stand back and watch what God can do through me.

I am not a survivor, I am a conqueror.

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It worked..but it was never the solution.

Inspirational.

strippedcompletelyclean

October 17th, 2011

I’m nervous of what today will bring…

Home after school…

But during school..

I know I should trust God but it’s hard…

Not sure what to do…

I’m suppose to dicipline myself. Whenever I have a thought..

One of the BLADE…

Thinking like that only gets me through the urge…

I go through step my step in my head..

Rolling my sleves..exposing my vein…gripping the razor…

My knuskles white and clamy as I hold it tight. Not. Letting. Go.

I lay the razor across my skin…pull it across my arm..then relax.

As I bleed…As the razor trails a crimson path alng my arm…my shoulders sink down… I’m mezmorized at the cut…

Slowly…

Bleeding….

Out….

Cutting is NEVER the solution!!!….But I will be the first to be honest and say it works all too well….

My thoughts on this entry where to simply think it through…

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Welcome

Welcome to my blog. For safety and privacy purposes, I will not be using anybody’s real name only abbreviations.

My name is M, or MP.

Thank you for taking the time to stop and read my blog. I must warn you, all that I am going to write will have some mention of Jesus or God. God is my Heavenly Father and my Creator and as such I am unapologetically going to give Him the praise. I also must warn you that a lot of what I will write about will be about my struggles with my childhood abuse that I have suffered and also my addiction of self-harm and my process of recovery.

I pray that as I write you will be encouraged to not give up hope in your current situations with whatever you may be struggling with.

God Bless You All.

M.

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