First Time in Ages

Hello Everyone,

I am writing on here for the first time in ages (well approximately a year and a half)

I have taken a long hiatus and in that time so much has happened: Quit my job, started a new one, had a boyfriend, broke up, got in a Masters in Mental Health Program, moved many times, was promoted, moved many more times, started school, was promoted again, moved many more times, was promoted again, moved, was promoted again, fights with family, several guys broke my heart, ex trying to get back together, transferring to another school, many many counseling appointments.

Woah, it’s been quite a year!

What I have learned in all this time is that: I cannot try and live to impress and gain approval from people, I must live the way God wants me too, no matter who does not approve.

It has/ is not an easy lesson to learn. I am definitely not perfect at it, but I am definitely trying to remember that I have the only approval I need!

Healing from the past has not been easy, but with God’s help I am learning to trust Him for the strength I need to heal!

I am glad to be back on here.

God Bless!

MP

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Why Someone with an Eating Disorder Cannot Properly “Cleanse”

I struggle with food. I have for many years. I don’t have the “typical” Eating Disorder of Anorexia or Bulimia but I do struggle with an Eating Disorder of some sort.

Anyway, for the beginning of the Year I decided to do JJ Smith’s 10 Day Smoothie Cleanse. I had tried it out last year and only made it to day 7. So this year I revved myself up and I was so excited to do it.

I had trouble from the beginning of the Cleanse, things like cravings, which a completely normal. But then something weird happened, I didn’t feel hungry at all. I asked a friend if she experienced that on her Cleanse and she told me no.

But then I became hungry again and I started “cheating” on my Cleanse, a spoonful of something here and a bit of something there. But when I was in those moments, I really wasn’t myself. I honestly scared myself a bit.

My original intent of Cleansing was both physical, to get the toxins out of my body and it was also Spiritual as well, to recommit my spiritual “cleansing” process to God.

I feel like I have failed both myself and God in some way by cheating on my cleanse. But i know that a big part of has to do with my Eating Disorder that I need to look into some more. I am now starting to realize that it is  bigger part of my life than I would ever want to realize.

I want to encourage anyone who struggles with an Eating Disorder of any kind to get help. You deserve to start the process of looking at food as nutrients and not the enemy.

God bless you all!  ❤

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A Letter to a Younger Me

Dear 7 year old me,

Don’t beat yourself up for the fact that you are younger and he is taking advantage of that. This is his fault, not yours. You didn’t ask for this, you didn’t want any of this. You don’t deserve this.

Dear 12 year old me,

Well done! You stood up for yourself and said no and it stopped, for once. Look at what you can do, you can tell someone, eventhough that won’t come for several years.

Dear 14 year old me,

What do you have in your hand? What is that scissors doing there? What are you about to do? Oh, you cut yourself. You didn’t like it? Don’t blame ya. You swear you will never do that again, if only dear one, if only.

Dear 17 year old me,

You told your family about it. Good job! There is light now shinning on the dark. I know it hurt, I know it was hard, but you did it!

Dear 18 year old me,

College is tough, and college does suck, but please but down the razor. Please, don’t do it.. Don’t you know that you will struggle with self-harm and eating disorders for the next several years if you start now?! Please, I beg you!

Dear today me,

Yes, the last few years have been hell. They have been tough and long, But God, being rich in love, has brought you through, and you are better for it! You have a wonderful position in women’s ministry. You graduated college, you stopped cutting, your relationship with food is getting better, you have people in your life that are coming along side you to help you be a better woman of faith. You are in a fabulous church. God has always been faithful to you! Continue to trust Him, He loves you!

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Dirty Will I Ever Be Clean?

Well tonight my friend was telling me about her sexual experiences with men recently and how in college she slept around a bit.. Then she asked me if I was a virgin.. Without hesitation I told her no.. then she asked me who I lost my virginity to.. I paused and felt great shame, guilt, and dirty-ness rush over me.. And then she asked me if it was private and I said yes it was and she didn’t press further. 
I still feel dirty. I feel like I can never be clean and “new” again. I have had evil done to me that I couldn’t stop and because of it I will not be a virgin on my wedding night. I can never give my husband that gift. It was stolen from me and there is no way to get it back. 
I have been told several times from several different people that I need to grieve the loss of innocence.. But honestly I don’t really know how and I am scared to because I know it will hurt. But God didn’t put us on this earth just to run through the pastures.
If you have been abused and need to grieve.. Lean on Christ. Run to His arms. And.. Cry and pray. 

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