First Time in Ages

Hello Everyone,

I am writing on here for the first time in ages (well approximately a year and a half)

I have taken a long hiatus and in that time so much has happened: Quit my job, started a new one, had a boyfriend, broke up, got in a Masters in Mental Health Program, moved many times, was promoted, moved many more times, started school, was promoted again, moved many more times, was promoted again, moved, was promoted again, fights with family, several guys broke my heart, ex trying to get back together, transferring to another school, many many counseling appointments.

Woah, it’s been quite a year!

What I have learned in all this time is that: I cannot try and live to impress and gain approval from people, I must live the way God wants me too, no matter who does not approve.

It has/ is not an easy lesson to learn. I am definitely not perfect at it, but I am definitely trying to remember that I have the only approval I need!

Healing from the past has not been easy, but with God’s help I am learning to trust Him for the strength I need to heal!

I am glad to be back on here.

God Bless!

MP

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Why Someone with an Eating Disorder Cannot Properly “Cleanse”

I struggle with food. I have for many years. I don’t have the “typical” Eating Disorder of Anorexia or Bulimia but I do struggle with an Eating Disorder of some sort.

Anyway, for the beginning of the Year I decided to do JJ Smith’s 10 Day Smoothie Cleanse. I had tried it out last year and only made it to day 7. So this year I revved myself up and I was so excited to do it.

I had trouble from the beginning of the Cleanse, things like cravings, which a completely normal. But then something weird happened, I didn’t feel hungry at all. I asked a friend if she experienced that on her Cleanse and she told me no.

But then I became hungry again and I started “cheating” on my Cleanse, a spoonful of something here and a bit of something there. But when I was in those moments, I really wasn’t myself. I honestly scared myself a bit.

My original intent of Cleansing was both physical, to get the toxins out of my body and it was also Spiritual as well, to recommit my spiritual “cleansing” process to God.

I feel like I have failed both myself and God in some way by cheating on my cleanse. But i know that a big part of has to do with my Eating Disorder that I need to look into some more. I am now starting to realize that it is  bigger part of my life than I would ever want to realize.

I want to encourage anyone who struggles with an Eating Disorder of any kind to get help. You deserve to start the process of looking at food as nutrients and not the enemy.

God bless you all!  ❤

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When You Forget Where To Turn…

These last few weeks have been extremely busy in my life, with trips to weddings to working to emotional turmoil and physical pain and everything in between.

I have been so focused on what I have needed to get done in my life that I haven’t stopped and turned to the One who is the Giver of life. I have gotten so busy and somewhat emotionally exhausted that I haven’t turned to to the Fount of Living Water and the One who can give me rest.

Sometimes we just forget that we need to turn to the Father, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, the Beginning and the End.

Lord, Forgive me for not spending time with You..

When I’m lost You pursue me
Lift my head to see Your glory
Lord of all
So beautiful

Here in You I find shelter
Captivated by the splendor
Of Your face
My secret place

I’m wide awake
Drawing close
Stirred by grace
And all my heart is Yours
All fear removed
I breathe You in
I lean into Your love
Your love

Your love so deep
Is washing over me
Your face is all I seek
You are my everything.
Jesus Christ
You are my one desire
Lord hear my only cry
To know You all my life.

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Control

“Oh Control, it’s time to let you go.”

JJ Heller wrote the song “Control” for her friend who struggles with self-injury. The chorus speaks about letting go of the control that we think we have.

I have really been struggling with thoughts of cutting. I have been wondering about what it would be like to start cutting again. This past week while I was at counseling I was talking about struggling with my thoughts and my counseling made me have a verbal contract with her about not giving in to the temptation of cutting. As I reluctantly verbally agreed with my counselor I started thinking about how stupid it was that she was making me do that. 

And as I sit here typing this I still think it’s kind of silly to have a verbal contract about not cutting I can’t help but think of some of the other lyrics in the song that says “There were scars before my scars, love written on the hands that hung the stars, hope living in the blood that was spilt for me.” Wow, Jesus really did pay it all! Hope is living in that blood that Jesus spilt for me on the Cross! This song is making me reexamine the want and urge to cut. 

I pray that you will find encouragement in this post. There were scars on Christ before you even cut yourself for the first time. And as my counselor told me, “You are not bad, you don’t need to punish yourself.”

Dear God, Thank-You for Jesus and the Hope that is living in the blood that He spilled for me. Amen.

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From My Past…

For as long as I can remember I have hated the terms “Survivor of Sexual Abuse” and “Victim of Sexual Abuse”.

I am a female who has been sexual abused in the past by my adopted brother and I am finding healing from the effects of the abuse, both by my brothers hand and by my own hand (self-injury/eating disorder).

I am not a victim and I am not a survivor. I am hurt but not defeated. I am kicked but not stomped. I am ever understanding the need for breaking the pattern of addiction and self-abuse in my life and I am leaning on my Creator to help me.

I will not let my brother have the power of guilt over me any longer. I will not let my family shut my up and push me out. I stand up for the silent and the hurting and I say “No” to the push-back of family members who do not understand the pain and effects that the past has put upon my life.

God has given me a voice and I will use in the power of His name and for His name and through His name.

I. Am. Woman. And though I be but little, I am fierce.

Stand back and watch what God can do through me.

I am not a survivor, I am a conqueror.

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Welcome

Welcome to my blog. For safety and privacy purposes, I will not be using anybody’s real name only abbreviations.

My name is M, or MP.

Thank you for taking the time to stop and read my blog. I must warn you, all that I am going to write will have some mention of Jesus or God. God is my Heavenly Father and my Creator and as such I am unapologetically going to give Him the praise. I also must warn you that a lot of what I will write about will be about my struggles with my childhood abuse that I have suffered and also my addiction of self-harm and my process of recovery.

I pray that as I write you will be encouraged to not give up hope in your current situations with whatever you may be struggling with.

God Bless You All.

M.

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