First Time in Ages

Hello Everyone,

I am writing on here for the first time in ages (well approximately a year and a half)

I have taken a long hiatus and in that time so much has happened: Quit my job, started a new one, had a boyfriend, broke up, got in a Masters in Mental Health Program, moved many times, was promoted, moved many more times, started school, was promoted again, moved many more times, was promoted again, moved, was promoted again, fights with family, several guys broke my heart, ex trying to get back together, transferring to another school, many many counseling appointments.

Woah, it’s been quite a year!

What I have learned in all this time is that: I cannot try and live to impress and gain approval from people, I must live the way God wants me too, no matter who does not approve.

It has/ is not an easy lesson to learn. I am definitely not perfect at it, but I am definitely trying to remember that I have the only approval I need!

Healing from the past has not been easy, but with God’s help I am learning to trust Him for the strength I need to heal!

I am glad to be back on here.

God Bless!

MP

Standard

Who Is In Your Corner?

Do you have a cheerleader in your life? Someone who is also there for moral support or to lend a helping hand? 

I have just recently been remembering back to college and my “cheerleaders”, my mentors. These women have played a huge part in my life and have loved me more unconditionally than my mother has. These women still give me advice and listen to everything I have been going through. God has placed these women in my life to reassure me that I can heal and that I am lovable. 

I am so extremely thankful for these ladies and I recently sent 2 of them a Facebook message thanking them for the impact that they have had in the last few years of my life and again I was blown away by the overwhelming support that both ladies gave back to me in each message.

So, who in your life that you can think of that is your “cheerleader”? God uses my “cheerleaders” in my life each and every day in little bitty ways and in big ways as well. 

Dear God, Thank-You for the “cheerleaders ” that You have placed in my life to remind me to keep running the race and reminding me that I am lovable. Amen.

Standard

Control

“Oh Control, it’s time to let you go.”

JJ Heller wrote the song “Control” for her friend who struggles with self-injury. The chorus speaks about letting go of the control that we think we have.

I have really been struggling with thoughts of cutting. I have been wondering about what it would be like to start cutting again. This past week while I was at counseling I was talking about struggling with my thoughts and my counseling made me have a verbal contract with her about not giving in to the temptation of cutting. As I reluctantly verbally agreed with my counselor I started thinking about how stupid it was that she was making me do that. 

And as I sit here typing this I still think it’s kind of silly to have a verbal contract about not cutting I can’t help but think of some of the other lyrics in the song that says “There were scars before my scars, love written on the hands that hung the stars, hope living in the blood that was spilt for me.” Wow, Jesus really did pay it all! Hope is living in that blood that Jesus spilt for me on the Cross! This song is making me reexamine the want and urge to cut. 

I pray that you will find encouragement in this post. There were scars on Christ before you even cut yourself for the first time. And as my counselor told me, “You are not bad, you don’t need to punish yourself.”

Dear God, Thank-You for Jesus and the Hope that is living in the blood that He spilled for me. Amen.

Standard

A Letter to a Younger Me

Dear 7 year old me,

Don’t beat yourself up for the fact that you are younger and he is taking advantage of that. This is his fault, not yours. You didn’t ask for this, you didn’t want any of this. You don’t deserve this.

Dear 12 year old me,

Well done! You stood up for yourself and said no and it stopped, for once. Look at what you can do, you can tell someone, eventhough that won’t come for several years.

Dear 14 year old me,

What do you have in your hand? What is that scissors doing there? What are you about to do? Oh, you cut yourself. You didn’t like it? Don’t blame ya. You swear you will never do that again, if only dear one, if only.

Dear 17 year old me,

You told your family about it. Good job! There is light now shinning on the dark. I know it hurt, I know it was hard, but you did it!

Dear 18 year old me,

College is tough, and college does suck, but please but down the razor. Please, don’t do it.. Don’t you know that you will struggle with self-harm and eating disorders for the next several years if you start now?! Please, I beg you!

Dear today me,

Yes, the last few years have been hell. They have been tough and long, But God, being rich in love, has brought you through, and you are better for it! You have a wonderful position in women’s ministry. You graduated college, you stopped cutting, your relationship with food is getting better, you have people in your life that are coming along side you to help you be a better woman of faith. You are in a fabulous church. God has always been faithful to you! Continue to trust Him, He loves you!

Standard

Dirty Will I Ever Be Clean?

Well tonight my friend was telling me about her sexual experiences with men recently and how in college she slept around a bit.. Then she asked me if I was a virgin.. Without hesitation I told her no.. then she asked me who I lost my virginity to.. I paused and felt great shame, guilt, and dirty-ness rush over me.. And then she asked me if it was private and I said yes it was and she didn’t press further. 
I still feel dirty. I feel like I can never be clean and “new” again. I have had evil done to me that I couldn’t stop and because of it I will not be a virgin on my wedding night. I can never give my husband that gift. It was stolen from me and there is no way to get it back. 
I have been told several times from several different people that I need to grieve the loss of innocence.. But honestly I don’t really know how and I am scared to because I know it will hurt. But God didn’t put us on this earth just to run through the pastures.
If you have been abused and need to grieve.. Lean on Christ. Run to His arms. And.. Cry and pray. 

Standard