What “Maybe” Will Be…

Hello Friends,

I write this post because a couple of weeks ago, I and my ex boyfriend decided that we were going to try and do this “friend to maybe dating” thing again but differently than before.

So basically we are going to really get to know each other before we start dating, unlike the previous times.

I’m a little bit nervous because my fear and shame and guilt about my past kick in overdrive when I know someone likes me and is being intentional about pursuing a friendship to maybe lead to something more.

I pray that God will break down my walls of doubt and insecurity that grip me and tear me to shreds.

I know that he and I could be something amazing together… if I will allow God to take over my fears and surrender then at the Cross! 

I know God’s not finished me… or him yet! ❤️

God Bless!! 

MP

Advertisements
Standard

First Time in Ages

Hello Everyone,

I am writing on here for the first time in ages (well approximately a year and a half)

I have taken a long hiatus and in that time so much has happened: Quit my job, started a new one, had a boyfriend, broke up, got in a Masters in Mental Health Program, moved many times, was promoted, moved many more times, started school, was promoted again, moved many more times, was promoted again, moved, was promoted again, fights with family, several guys broke my heart, ex trying to get back together, transferring to another school, many many counseling appointments.

Woah, it’s been quite a year!

What I have learned in all this time is that: I cannot try and live to impress and gain approval from people, I must live the way God wants me too, no matter who does not approve.

It has/ is not an easy lesson to learn. I am definitely not perfect at it, but I am definitely trying to remember that I have the only approval I need!

Healing from the past has not been easy, but with God’s help I am learning to trust Him for the strength I need to heal!

I am glad to be back on here.

God Bless!

MP

Standard

Why Someone with an Eating Disorder Cannot Properly “Cleanse”

I struggle with food. I have for many years. I don’t have the “typical” Eating Disorder of Anorexia or Bulimia but I do struggle with an Eating Disorder of some sort.

Anyway, for the beginning of the Year I decided to do JJ Smith’s 10 Day Smoothie Cleanse. I had tried it out last year and only made it to day 7. So this year I revved myself up and I was so excited to do it.

I had trouble from the beginning of the Cleanse, things like cravings, which a completely normal. But then something weird happened, I didn’t feel hungry at all. I asked a friend if she experienced that on her Cleanse and she told me no.

But then I became hungry again and I started “cheating” on my Cleanse, a spoonful of something here and a bit of something there. But when I was in those moments, I really wasn’t myself. I honestly scared myself a bit.

My original intent of Cleansing was both physical, to get the toxins out of my body and it was also Spiritual as well, to recommit my spiritual “cleansing” process to God.

I feel like I have failed both myself and God in some way by cheating on my cleanse. But i know that a big part of has to do with my Eating Disorder that I need to look into some more. I am now starting to realize that it is  bigger part of my life than I would ever want to realize.

I want to encourage anyone who struggles with an Eating Disorder of any kind to get help. You deserve to start the process of looking at food as nutrients and not the enemy.

God bless you all!  ❤

Standard

When the Abused had to care for the Abuser

Let me clear something up before I get started, my brother has abused me way more than my parents have but I am writing about my mom in this post.

When my mother found out about the sexual abuse that my brother committed against me, all efforts of the family revolved around making sure my mother was ok. Granted, they did try and push me to go to counseling but I wasn’t ready.

My mother decided that instead of going to counseling herself she was going to one up that and go into get a Biblical Counseling Certificate and focus on Sexual Abuse. How ironic, someone who didn’t even feel the need for herself to go to counseling and process through what happened under her roof thinks that she can help others cope with their abuse and heal from the trauma of it.

Hurt people, hurt people. My mother has been hurting me emotionally by being so distant with me for the last 5 years. I have had to in a sense help my abuser feel better about everything that happened.

Only by God’s grace can I ever move past this and not blame myself that I brought this aweful reality to my family. God has begun to do the amazing healing work in me as of recent, but I know there is still much more to go.

May friends, if any of you are finding yourself where you are the abused having to care for the abuser, just remember, when you surrender your healing to God you will be so amazed at how God starts to work wishing you and heal you from the inside out. ❤️

Standard

When You Forget Where To Turn…

These last few weeks have been extremely busy in my life, with trips to weddings to working to emotional turmoil and physical pain and everything in between.

I have been so focused on what I have needed to get done in my life that I haven’t stopped and turned to the One who is the Giver of life. I have gotten so busy and somewhat emotionally exhausted that I haven’t turned to to the Fount of Living Water and the One who can give me rest.

Sometimes we just forget that we need to turn to the Father, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, the Beginning and the End.

Lord, Forgive me for not spending time with You..

When I’m lost You pursue me
Lift my head to see Your glory
Lord of all
So beautiful

Here in You I find shelter
Captivated by the splendor
Of Your face
My secret place

I’m wide awake
Drawing close
Stirred by grace
And all my heart is Yours
All fear removed
I breathe You in
I lean into Your love
Your love

Your love so deep
Is washing over me
Your face is all I seek
You are my everything.
Jesus Christ
You are my one desire
Lord hear my only cry
To know You all my life.

Standard

Who Is In Your Corner?

Do you have a cheerleader in your life? Someone who is also there for moral support or to lend a helping hand? 

I have just recently been remembering back to college and my “cheerleaders”, my mentors. These women have played a huge part in my life and have loved me more unconditionally than my mother has. These women still give me advice and listen to everything I have been going through. God has placed these women in my life to reassure me that I can heal and that I am lovable. 

I am so extremely thankful for these ladies and I recently sent 2 of them a Facebook message thanking them for the impact that they have had in the last few years of my life and again I was blown away by the overwhelming support that both ladies gave back to me in each message.

So, who in your life that you can think of that is your “cheerleader”? God uses my “cheerleaders” in my life each and every day in little bitty ways and in big ways as well. 

Dear God, Thank-You for the “cheerleaders ” that You have placed in my life to remind me to keep running the race and reminding me that I am lovable. Amen.

Standard

Control

“Oh Control, it’s time to let you go.”

JJ Heller wrote the song “Control” for her friend who struggles with self-injury. The chorus speaks about letting go of the control that we think we have.

I have really been struggling with thoughts of cutting. I have been wondering about what it would be like to start cutting again. This past week while I was at counseling I was talking about struggling with my thoughts and my counseling made me have a verbal contract with her about not giving in to the temptation of cutting. As I reluctantly verbally agreed with my counselor I started thinking about how stupid it was that she was making me do that. 

And as I sit here typing this I still think it’s kind of silly to have a verbal contract about not cutting I can’t help but think of some of the other lyrics in the song that says “There were scars before my scars, love written on the hands that hung the stars, hope living in the blood that was spilt for me.” Wow, Jesus really did pay it all! Hope is living in that blood that Jesus spilt for me on the Cross! This song is making me reexamine the want and urge to cut. 

I pray that you will find encouragement in this post. There were scars on Christ before you even cut yourself for the first time. And as my counselor told me, “You are not bad, you don’t need to punish yourself.”

Dear God, Thank-You for Jesus and the Hope that is living in the blood that He spilled for me. Amen.

Standard